Making the Day Count

0. Desperate

guy in recovery — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 09:51:59 +0000

If you’re reading this pray for me. I have been at this for more than twenty years. Lust has been providing me with a solution for all my problems and deficiencies for a very long time. I am a few minutes sober. Even now, I want to look at porn. I want to roll over and wallow in the refuse I need so desperately to be free from. There’s that word. Desperate. I am desperate but I forget so quickly. I want to forget that my life is on the line. I want to forget that I could walk away from everything and everyone. What will it take to wake me up?

I Kept Coming Back

guy in recovery — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 02:07:30 +0000

It was been nearly 18 months since I have posted here. Reading over these entries makes me feel sad. Lately, I have not strung together any more than a week or two of sobriety. Its the same old stuff. Seriously. Lust is old school. Lust has never had the nerve to be creative. I have and I am. Lust wants to kill me. As of this moment I am a few minutes sober. So, this is ground zero. Sitting here in my failure with no glory whatsoever I know that God loves me. May I remember always.

2. A Good Day

guy in recovery — Thu, 20 May 2010 12:34:24 +0000

Yesterday is worth remembering. I began my day very quietly in order to posture myself before the One Who is my only hope. God. I read some Psalms and prayed. Simple and relevant. I got up and got out and went about my day very intentionally: working out, shopping, meeting a friend for lunch, napping, cleaning the kitchen, and picking up the kids. There were several key moments when I chose not to put myself in harm’s way and today I am the better for it. Going to bed last night my pci was 2. An all-time low. Thank God.

1. Again

guy in recovery — Tue, 18 May 2010 13:20:16 +0000

I acted out minutes after yesterday’s post. That aint good. I made a phone call a few hours later to cast it out. My yes is so infrequently my yes. This morning I am very triggered. I desperately want to lust after porn and masturbate. I desperately need to stay sober. This afternoon I will be going to a meeting. Yesterday, I had intended to get my pci down to a zero. It was a five. Here, I remain.

3. Being present

guy in recovery — Thu, 13 May 2010 16:24:19 +0000

I just read today’s blog at http://www.whatwinnersdo.com/learning-to-live-in-the-moment/comment-page-1/ and it was all about being present in the moment. It is so relevant! My brain can be a million other places than where my feet are. Right now, I am even having to concentrate on being where I am. Today, I am being very productive. I’m working but not at my normal job. I made one call this morning. I want to make another call in just a bit. Sometimes, feelings of hurt from past conflict arise in my mind. I need to talk that out. I am hurt and that is not for me to keep to myself.

2. Pressing on

guy in recovery — Wed, 12 May 2010 15:47:31 +0000

Going to the meeting last night was a very good thing. I was tempted to skip it and go to another recovery meeting where I am less connected but I went to the one I needed to be at. There is so much sobriety among the fellas there. The wisdom there is so rich. I shared last night, made some calls this morning and came to work. I am so thankful to be at work. I am so thankful to be sober one more day. I’m pressing on.

1. I have no idea

guy in recovery — Tue, 11 May 2010 15:58:21 +0000

I am in a bad place. I have lots of people that love me. I am very sick. I acted out last night in a way very predictable. I didn’t do anything rash afterward as I am apt to do. I made a phone call this morning and the heavy weight on the other end received my confession. I didn’t take the last right step. Today, right now, I am taking the next right step. I will be at my meeting tonight. The thing that I cannot escape is this kid in the cookie jar mentality that leads me to act out at the quickest possible moment I’m alone. I made several phone calls yesterday but when it came to being alone around 9 o’clock I totally isolated. If you are where I am and you cannot string together any days of sobriety I do not know what to tell you. I know that people do it and I know that it is possible. I would say that I’m not giving up but my actions say that I already have. I came to work today. I’m present with those I’m working with and I will go to a meeting tonight. Surely, that’s worth something.

1. What am I committed to?

guy in recovery — Fri, 07 May 2010 13:48:44 +0000

Yesterday, I had lunch with a friend. He has a ton of sobriety and is a recovery superstar to me. He told me that I am more committed to acting out than I am not. He’s right. I have been in twelve step recovery since July of 2007 and the most days of sobriety in a row add up to little more than a 100. That hurts. I have talked and heard from several guys who were in recovery for 10 years before they ever got any sobriety together. Is that what it will take for me? I called my friend this morning and told him that I am committed to breaking my committment to acting out this morning. Right now, 24 hours are too many. This morning is enough. As far as my feelings go I feel sad and hurt. My connection with my wife is as you might expect for someone with as little sobriety as I have. I am committed to acting out. . . but I don’t want to be.

4. In times of peace

guy in recovery — Sun, 02 May 2010 21:52:48 +0000

I’m okay. Well, I say that and then I remember I was around a lot of beautiful ladies at the beach yesterday. Nuff said. I stared several times. Thankfully, I am still sober. I have thoughts of letting my guard down with non-recovery people. Its my family. Some members of my family are safer than others but if I do it I want to let the guard down for all of them. Hm. Is that necessary? Maybe not. I am not obligated to make myself vulnerable with people I feel unsafe around. Then again, how can I give unsafe people a chance to become safe unless I risk myself? What am I afraid of? Rejection and condemnation. I am afraid of being rejected and condemned. If I reveal my weaknesses to my brothers and they condemn or reject me then I don’t have to experience those feelings alone. I know that for sure. Still, do I need to make myself that vulnerable to them? I don’t know.

3. I made it through the night

guy in recovery — Sat, 01 May 2010 14:32:50 +0000

I am three days sober and May never looked so good. I slept in a room alone with this computer not very far from me. I had every excuse to look at porn at it but I chose to go to sleep. Sometimes I use sleep to medicate but that was not the case last night. Yesterday saw me feeling very hurt by something that a dear friend said. I haven’t talked with anyone about it so I commit to doing so today. Yesterday, I actually did not make any phone calls or texts. Admitting that helps. I can and will stay sober today. I can and will feel my feelings and talk about it with people I can trust. It’s good to be here.