0. Til Then

I may continue this blog later.  For now, I gotta work the steps.  See you. . .

1. Here and Now

I went to my meeting last night, came home and acted out.  As you might’ve guessed there was no satisfaction.  None.  Instead, there was sadness, anger and shame.  Now, here I am at the end of the first day.  Is the last first day?  Truly, I can’t afford to think like that.  I really can’t.  I am here and now.  Today, I did do something at work that was a concrete reminder of how I am saying “no” to living partly in the future.  It was serious and very good.  I hope it sticks.

 

0. Wounded

Sometimes I think that ridding myself of every screen I own would be a worthwhile solution.  My tv, computer, cell phone and tablet have been avenues of lust for me.  I have thoughts of throwing my laptop out the window after acting out and while that would be very satisfying something tells me that that would not get at my wounds.  My wounds can only be dealt with by getting out of my head.  I suppose my wounds can only be dealt with by 12 steps.  Maybe.  I’m pretty sure Jesus is interested in healing my wounds whether I do the 12 steps or not.  Still, they can’t hurt.  As I’ve heard, it is a both and.

2. God made me to be me

It is good to be me.  No one else can.  God made me to be me.  I am the only one who can do it.  There are many ways to deny that truth.  Soaking my feelings in porn is one of them.  When I am engaged in porn I am not myself.  Today, I did not engage in porn.  At work, there was a moment that I felt overwhelmed but I did not flee from it.  I let it be and that was enough.  I suppose that is called acceptance.  I accepted the things I could not change and took courage for the rest.

1. Nothing MIssing

I woke up today.  I went to work and did my job.  I was inspired by people.  I believe I may have even inspired some others.  I went to a second job tonight.  It went well.  I came back home tonight and hung out for a little while.  Now, I’m here and nothing is missing.  My day was good without porn.  There is nothing missing in my life since I have not looked at porn.  That’ll work.

0. Failure

Just acted out.  I looked at some porn last night.  I looked at porn tonight and masturbated.  I feel awful.

8. Happy hour

I suppose it is happy hour.  There’s something about getting off work that makes an addict want to disengage and numb out.  That’s where I am now.  I’m at home and its right after work and I really want a drink.  Only, my drink is a lust hit.  I did not have a bad day but the fact remains that I want to look at porn.  I lie to myself and say that it will only be a little porn but it is never a little porn.  Never.  So, here I am broadcasting my darkest secrets and in that I feel better.  Last night, I did make a phone call and left a message.  My defenses were beginning to break down when a dear friend showed up.  Isn’t that how it always is?