0. Desperate

If you’re reading this pray for me.  I have been at this for more than twenty years.  Lust has been providing me with a solution for all my problems and deficiencies for a very long time.  I am a few minutes sober.  Even now, I want to look at porn.  I want to roll over and wallow in the refuse I need so desperately to be free from.  There’s that word.  Desperate.  I am desperate but I forget so quickly.  I want to forget that my life is on the line.  I want to forget that I could walk away from everything and everyone.  What will it take to wake me up?

I Kept Coming Back

It was been nearly 18 months since I have posted here.  Reading over these entries makes me feel sad.  Lately, I have not strung together any more than a week or two of sobriety.  Its the same old stuff.  Seriously.  Lust is old school.  Lust has never had the nerve to be creative.  I have and I am.  Lust wants to kill me.  As of this moment I am a few minutes sober.  So, this is ground zero.  Sitting here in my failure with no glory whatsoever I know that God loves me.  May I remember always.

2. A Good Day

Yesterday is worth remembering.  I began my day very quietly in order to posture myself before the One Who is my only hope.  God.  I read some Psalms and prayed.  Simple and relevant.  I got up and got out and went about my day very intentionally: working out, shopping, meeting a friend for lunch, napping, cleaning the kitchen, and picking up the kids.  There were several key moments when I chose not to put myself in harm’s way and today I am the better for it.  Going to bed last night my pci was 2.  An all-time low.  Thank God.

1. Again

I acted out minutes after yesterday’s post.  That aint good.  I made a phone call a few hours later to cast it out.  My yes is so infrequently my yes.  This morning I am very triggered.  I desperately want to lust after porn and masturbate.  I desperately need to stay sober.  This afternoon I will be going to a meeting.  Yesterday, I had intended to get my pci down to a zero.  It was a five.  Here, I remain.

3. Being present

I just read today’s blog at http://www.whatwinnersdo.com/learning-to-live-in-the-moment/comment-page-1/ and it was all about being present in the moment.  It is so relevant!  My brain can be a million other places than where my feet are.  Right now, I am even having to concentrate on being where I am.  Today, I am being very productive.  I’m working but not at my normal job.  I made one call this morning.  I want to make another call in just a bit.  Sometimes, feelings of hurt from past conflict arise in my mind.  I need to talk that out.  I am hurt and that is not for me to keep to myself.

2. Pressing on

Going to the meeting last night was a very good thing.  I was tempted to skip it and go to another recovery meeting where I am less connected but I went to the one I needed to be at.  There is so much sobriety among the fellas there.  The wisdom there is so rich.  I shared last night, made some calls this morning and came to work.  I am so thankful to be at work.  I am so thankful to be sober one more day.  I’m pressing on.

1. I have no idea

I am in a bad place.  I have lots of people that love me.  I am very sick.  I acted out last night in a way very predictable.  I didn’t do anything rash afterward as I am apt to do.  I made a phone call this morning and the heavy weight on the other end received my confession.  I didn’t take the last right step.  Today, right now, I am taking the next right step.  I will be at my meeting tonight.  The thing that I cannot escape is this kid in the cookie jar mentality that leads me to act out at the quickest possible moment I’m alone.  I made several phone calls yesterday but when it came to being alone around 9 o’clock I totally isolated.  If you are where I am and you cannot string together any days of sobriety I do not know what to tell you.  I know that people do it and I know that it is possible.  I would say that I’m not giving up but my actions say that I already have.  I came to work today.  I’m present with those I’m working with and I will go to a meeting tonight.  Surely, that’s worth something.

1. What am I committed to?

Yesterday, I had lunch with a friend.  He has a ton of sobriety and is a recovery superstar to me.  He told me that I am more committed to acting out than I am not.  He’s right.  I have been in twelve step recovery since July of 2007 and the most days of sobriety in a row add up to little more than a 100.  That hurts.  I have talked and heard from several guys who were in recovery for 10 years before they ever got any sobriety together.  Is that what it will take for me?  I called my friend this morning and told him that I am committed to breaking my committment to acting out this morning.  Right now, 24 hours are too many.  This morning is enough.  As far as my feelings go I feel sad and hurt.  My connection with my wife is as you might expect for someone with as little sobriety as I have.  I am committed to acting out. . . but I don’t want to be.

4. In times of peace

I’m okay.  Well, I say that and then I remember I was around a lot of beautiful ladies at the beach yesterday.  Nuff said.  I stared several times.  Thankfully, I am still sober.  I have thoughts of letting my guard down with non-recovery people.  Its my family.  Some members of my family are safer than others but if I do it I want to let the guard down for all of them.  Hm.  Is that necessary?  Maybe not.  I am not obligated to make myself vulnerable with people I feel unsafe around.  Then again, how can I give unsafe people a chance to become safe unless I risk myself?  What am I afraid of?  Rejection and condemnation.  I am afraid of being rejected and condemned.  If I reveal my weaknesses to my brothers and they condemn or reject me then I don’t have to experience those feelings alone.  I know that for sure.  Still, do I need to make myself that vulnerable to them?  I don’t know.

3. I made it through the night

I am three days sober and May never looked so good.  I slept in a room alone with this computer not very far from me.  I had every excuse to look at porn at it but I chose to go to sleep.  Sometimes I use sleep to medicate but that was not the case last night.  Yesterday saw me feeling very hurt by something that a dear friend said.  I haven’t talked with anyone about it so I commit to doing so today.  Yesterday, I actually did not make any phone calls or texts.  Admitting that helps.  I can and will stay sober today.  I can and will feel my feelings and talk about it with people I can trust.   It’s good to be here.